can’t sleep

I can’t sleep.  I have been looking forward to bedtime for so many hours now.  I am confused… how am I still awake??    I am going a little cray cray because I need some alone time.  I need to be alone so bad that I am laying in bed not sleeping and wondering if this actually counts as alone time.     I am to the point where I am fantasizing about being in a hotel room alone, with no tv on, no music playing, no cell phone.  Just me laying in bed with it quiet and no one saying:  Mom!  Mom!  Mom!  Mom!  Every other minute or second, depending on the situation.   You know like when you have a kid stay home sick from school for 10 days and then you are the room mom for the fall party and then your kids are home for a week for fall break and you are in therapy with your husband because you are having problems and you go on a family vacation and its fun but exhausting and then your house is a wreck from unpacking and you have 17 loads of laundry to do and then its Halloween and you have to get all that candy ready and costumes and then you lose costumes because you were just on vacation and can’t remember where you put stuff a week ago and you wanna be fun mom on Halloween but you don’t feel well because you ate something not right in the Cancun airport the day before and then you make it thru Halloween and then you stay up late fighting with your husband and then you start to get a long again and then you are thinking you are gonna have a nice relaxing weekend with the family and it ends up being busy because you offered to host the end of the season soccer party at your house and you need to go to the grocery store for the week and you forgot to have your son that was home sick do his make-up homework and you realize nobody has eaten a vegetable in about a week and you want to cook and do a good job and the laundry won’t stop and the dishwasher needs to be unloaded and the trash needs to be taken out and the dogs are barking at the neighbors dog and she is upset and telling you to fix your fence and then you are getting your kids to bed and thinking how great it’s gonna be tomorrow when they are both in school and then your son starts crying at bedtime and is all worked up about how the teacher changes seat assignments when you come back from fall break and he can’t deal with this pressure and stress of where he is gonna sit and what if a mean kid is assigned next to him and as you are holding him and he is crying and you are thinking you might start crying too because he keeps saying he can’t go to school and you really need him to go to school and you look around and wonder why does he have so many damn toys and why can’t I make this house look better and why is my hair so dry at the ends and you need a shower and your nails look terrible and you are wondering what are you doing here and can someone please tell me who am I?  Well, I think that is why I need this hotel room.

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