Category Archives: relationships

kleenex

I don’t like it when a box of Kleenex is almost out.  When you have about 5-10 left in the box and you start thinking, man anytime now this sucker is gonna be empty.  Do I even have any more boxes around here?  And a day or 10 pass by and BAM!  You grab a Kleenex and the last three all come out at the same time and you are left with a huge handful of Kleenex and an empty box.  Do you shove the other two you didn’t want back in the box?  Do you set them on the counter?  Do you use three tissues even though you only needed one?  Did you even need that tissue?  What is going on here?  Then all of a sudden you notice how big Kleenex boxes really are because when you throw it away it takes up the whole garbage can and now you need to take the trash out.   I have Kleenex everywhere around the house.   So this doesn’t happen very often and then some days I’ll have three empty boxes of Kleenex come out of nowhere.  By that third box I start to feel the emptiness of the boxes and I feel sad and lonely.  Then I see the fullness of the trash and I get angry at my husband and my kids and my dogs and my dad for not taking out the trash.   Then I become in touch with the obnoxious overuse of Kleenex in this house and decide I will conserve and respect these things moving forward.  Today was one of those two empty box days, the one in my car and the one on my bedside table.  Why do I have a box in my car?  Why don’t you have one in your car is the question you should be asking…

Speaking of loneliness… that is one of my things I am here to learn more about.  Loneliness has been a theme for me in my marriage to Buzz and I am becoming more aware of it.   How can I feel lonely when I am hardly ever alone??  You must be wondering this too.  Two kids, a husband, two dogs, 2 sisters, my parents, my friends, the lady at Target, everyone at church, all the people at the gym, everybody from my kids school, my hair girl, my aesthetician, my personal trainer, my laser hair removal lady, my neighbors, the guy at the wine store, the lady at Sprouts, the guy at the smoothie bar,  and the baristas at Starbucks.  I have not had a lot of time alone since becoming a mom.  Where does loneliness come from?   Buzz and I have been in couples therapy for a few months and have learned a lot about us as a couple and who we are individually.  We are not into blaming each other and we work on taking responsibility for our stuff.   So basically this is all Buzz’s fault.  And I say that without blame or pointing fingers or raising my voice.   And by taking responsibility for my own stuff, I mean that’s what Buzz needs to do.

We have spent the last 9 years kinda separate, with me raising our kids and him growing a business.  We have made time for weekly date nights and weekends away and vacations alone, and vacations with family.  But over the years this loneliness has existed.  I think it is because I haven’t shared what I am thinking or feeling with Buzz and I have a hard time asking for what I want.  I don’t even know what I want when other people are not around to tell me.  I think I have done this because it didn’t seem like a big deal.  Sure we would talk every day, but it would be about kids or work.   Everything seems like it doesn’t matter when there are real problems in the world.  The fact that I like or dislike something seems little, small, insignificant.  So we would talk on the surface and I would ignore these feelings of wanting a deeper connection with Buzz and I would shove all this way down deep where the lights are off and nobody can see who you are and what you want.   I am shocked to announce that this method does not work.  Weird.  I hear that sharing who you really are can be an incredibly bonding experience with a husband.  And so as painful as it is gonna be to change, I am going to do just that.   I am gonna figure out who I am and what I want and express that in a healthy way to Buzz.