Category Archives: food

lettuce

I go to the grocery store a lot.  I am sure most people do.  I went yesterday and it was great.  All except for one thing.  This drives me crazy and creates anxiety for me at all grocery stores.  It doesn’t matter which one: King Soopers, Kroger, Whole Foods, Sprouts, Safeway, Trader Joes.

They smush the lettuce.

It’s like they don’t know how tender and fragile lettuce is and it drives me crazy.  I like to bag my groceries for this reason and a lot of time these baggers won’t let you do it yourself.  They think you don’t want to bag your own groceries.  They think they are helping you and doing something nice for you.  They think you want to just stand there and watch as they put the $2 organic romaine lettuce you are buying in a bag and then put apples, celery, avocados, broccoli, bell peppers, cabbage and spaghetti squash ON TOP of your lettuce!!!!!  OMG this is making my armpits sweat just remembering how this all went down.  This stresses me out majorly.  I can’t even handle thinking about this! I have to take off my sweatshirt because I’m getting so worked up.  I almost always try to help bag the groceries and so I can almost always grab the lettuce and put it on top of a bag that I packed and put it in the cart.

Yesterday I thought I was winning this war on lettuce when the grocery store manager told the bagging guy to go on break right when it was my turn in line.  I was thinking, my lettuce is safe, thank you God for loving me and protecting me from these lettuce haters.  So I put the lettuce in the front part of the grocery cart where you would put your cute little baby or strap in a toddler.  I thought that was a good place to keep it safe and get scanned last.  I am totally balanced and feeling great as the lady is scanning all my stuff and I start bagging my groceries.  Then in a state of relaxed stupidity, I decide to abandon the bagging for a minute so I can type in my loyalty phone number.  Things are going so well I start to think I’ll go to Starbucks after I pay and get an iced Americano and even add a pump of white chocolate because it’s just one of those fun days.  Then as I’m typing in my phone number it all comes crashing down.  It happened so fast!  A girl comes over and starts bagging and smiles at me and I’m thinking its ok because the lettuce is in the baby seat and will get scanned last.  So I smile back just as I see her shove the lettuce in the bag and immediately putting the heaviest stuff she can find on top.  I stand there in shock and notice the check out scanner girl is still scanning and I am wondering why did she take that lettuce out of the baby seat when she has all this other stuff to still scan?  And the bagging girl is just jamming stuff into the lettuce bag and I am thinking, this isn’t worth the loyalty discount.  I should have never abandoned my bagging station.  I quickly say, “Hey, do you mind taking the lettuce out of that bag so it doesn’t get smushed? Thanks.”  And the bagging girl looks at me so confused because she is not paying attention or doesn’t care or is thinking about more important things or hates me and came over to bag my stuff to ruin my lettuce on purpose.  She just opens the bag and holds it close to me and I dig in there and take out the lettuce and I cannot believe how much stuff she put on top of this lettuce.  She takes it from me and says, “Here, is this alright?” as she sets it on top of a bag that was packed already.  And I say yes thank you, but I’m thinking can she not see that lettuce is about to fall out of that bag and out of the cart and onto the floor?

What is happening here?  Am I not supposed to eat fresh lettuce?  Does nobody that works at a grocery store buy fresh heads of leafy lettuce?  Am I the only one buying lettuce like this? Am I supposed to start buying lettuce that is in plastic containers?  Or the pre washed kind that seems like it was grown last year and they jam like three heads of lettuce in a big bag to make you think you are getting a good deal and somehow they have kept it looking kind of good but it is mainly white lettuce and people forgot that lettuce is green?  Ok, deep breath.  What am I even saying right now?  I guess what I am saying is, your lettuce isn’t safe, even in that baby seat.  And maybe you should stop buying lettuce because nobody else is eating it.  So if you stop eating it now, you won’t miss is so much when it isn’t sold in grocery stores anymore.

heavy whipping cream

Have you ever been at the grocery store putting unsweetened almond milk in your cart and you have this amazing vision of yourself drinking a whole pint of heavy whipping cream right there in the store?  Me either.  This actually happened to me when I was at the store last Wednesday.  So I put two pints of heavy whipping cream in my cart.  This felt so good and so right, even though I don’t drink milk.   I needed it.  As you know, I was on my period last week and so we can just blame it on that.  Except I don’t ever crave milk.  It actually grosses me out just thinking about it now.  The only time I have craved real milk was when I was pregnant. Both pregnancies actually, and I even drank glasses of milk and couldn’t stand myself because I loved it so much.  I get this heavy whipping cream home and start to think of whipped cream and putting it on everything.  Now, these are just visions.  I am not actually eating this yet.  I put the two pints away in the fridge and notice there is another one in the back of the fridge unopened that I bought two weeks before.  Hmmmm.  Am I pregnant?  Oh God!  Oh No!  Damn it!  I count the days of my cycle and realize I started my period on day 23.  That is really early!  Oh My Gosh, am I pregnant?  Was that just the baby implanting in my uterus and I just thought it was my period starting?  Oh God Oh God Oh God oh God!   NO!  This cannot be happening!  I am 37, I can’t start over, my kids are just starting to not need me all day, we just got Red going to school all day in first grade, Blu is practically a grown up, I cannot have a baby right now, or ever again!!!!!  Buzz had a vasectomy 2 years ago.  This doesn’t stop me from thinking I am pregnant on a regular basis.  You hear of all these crazy stories about people getting pregnant when they are on the pill, or have an IUD, or using condoms, or had a vasectomy, or was pregnant and didn’t know it until the birth of the baby occurs when they sit down to pee at a gas station toilet.  I just know this could be me someday.  My mom has been telling me for years that I am going to have 3 children.  How does she know this?  Why would she even say this to me?  She even laughs when she talks about my third child.   Like this is some hilarious joke on me when this third baby shows up and she will have known this was the plan all along.  I have two children, thank you God for blessing me with them!  But, I do not want to have another.   You will be happy for me to find out that it was just my period and not a surprise pregnancy.   So now I can eat this whipped cream in peace.