Last week my daughter, Blu, wanted to put up the Christmas tree. She asked everyday after school and kept saying it would make her so happy. She was saying she needed to get into the Christmas sprit and this would help. I was interested in helping her with this, but by the time we could have gotten around to it the first two days, I had to say no in order to do my evening ritual: drink wine and do nothing. Then I told Buzz the next morning what Blu was wanting and he said he read on Twitter that every time a Christmas tree is put up before Thanksgiving, an elf drowns a baby reindeer. Buzz told me he is against killing reindeer and so he was not even gonna allow us to put up the tree until next Friday, after Thanksgiving. When I picked up Red and Blu from school that day, Blu immediately started in about putting up the tree. I told her daddy has some interesting news he learned on Twitter earlier and he would tell her about it when we got home. I’m thinking there is no way she is gonna fall for this. She is 9, and super smart, and pretty much figured out who is behind all the Christmas shenanigans last year. But, I guess she forgot about all that, and threw all critical thinking out the window. Christmas has a way of making people crazy and lose their minds. Buzz tells Red and Blu what he discovered about the elves and said it’s up to Blu if we put the tree up early or not. Blu is immediately upset and wondering what kind of elf would do such a thing. She asks how can they even see your tree if it is inside your house?? She said it makes more sense if you have lights and decorations outside (which we do) for the elves to know how many baby reindeer to drown. She said she really wanted the tree up, but she can’t be responsible for these poor baby reindeer dying. Red just laughs and runs off to play with his Max Steel toys. This was 6 days ago. Thanksgiving is in 2 days.
I tell you that story so I can tell you this story:
Last night I am on the phone with my two sisters. Bunny and Tiny. Bunny and Tiny are my favorite people. (Don’t tell Buzz) They are how I know I am suppose to be here, that I am right with the world, that I’m a good person at my core, regardless of all the dumb stuff I have said and done and thought about doing and saying. They love me and support me and don’t judge me. We talk and text almost every day. So Bunny calls me on her way home from work last night and then Tiny calls and we merge her into the conversation. We are talking about the importance of whiskey in our lives and somehow we switch to Christmas lights. Bunny goes off on how she can’t believe people put up Christmas lights before Thanksgiving and how she is so embarrassed for them. I said OMG you totally need to be embarrassed for me because I have my Christmas lights up outside! Then Tiny said, well don’t go over to Mom and Dad’s house or you will be embarrassed for them too! And same for Tiny’s mother in law, she has hers up, be embarrassed for her too! After Bunny starts to calm down from her extreme judgmental state, I tell them at least my tree isn’t up thanks to Buzz. At this exact minute, my kids come upstairs from the basement yelling and screaming at each other and me. In all this noise, I get the sense Blu is horrified and needs my help. This is a daily reaction Blu has toward the world. Red is yelling at Blu to leave him alone and to worry about herself. I get to them and see Red is carrying a tiny blue tinsel xmas tree upstairs to put in his room. Red is smiling like an evil genius because this is tormenting his big sister so much. He says, looks like a baby reindeer will be dying after all.
Have you ever been at the grocery store putting unsweetened almond milk in your cart and you have this amazing vision of yourself drinking a whole pint of heavy whipping cream right there in the store? Me either. This actually happened to me when I was at the store last Wednesday. So I put two pints of heavy whipping cream in my cart. This felt so good and so right, even though I don’t drink milk. I needed it. As you know, I was on my period last week and so we can just blame it on that. Except I don’t ever crave milk. It actually grosses me out just thinking about it now. The only time I have craved real milk was when I was pregnant. Both pregnancies actually, and I even drank glasses of milk and couldn’t stand myself because I loved it so much. I get this heavy whipping cream home and start to think of whipped cream and putting it on everything. Now, these are just visions. I am not actually eating this yet. I put the two pints away in the fridge and notice there is another one in the back of the fridge unopened that I bought two weeks before. Hmmmm. Am I pregnant? Oh God! Oh No! Damn it! I count the days of my cycle and realize I started my period on day 23. That is really early! Oh My Gosh, am I pregnant? Was that just the baby implanting in my uterus and I just thought it was my period starting? Oh God Oh God Oh God oh God! NO! This cannot be happening! I am 37, I can’t start over, my kids are just starting to not need me all day, we just got Red going to school all day in first grade, Blu is practically a grown up, I cannot have a baby right now, or ever again!!!!! Buzz had a vasectomy 2 years ago. This doesn’t stop me from thinking I am pregnant on a regular basis. You hear of all these crazy stories about people getting pregnant when they are on the pill, or have an IUD, or using condoms, or had a vasectomy, or was pregnant and didn’t know it until the birth of the baby occurs when they sit down to pee at a gas station toilet. I just know this could be me someday. My mom has been telling me for years that I am going to have 3 children. How does she know this? Why would she even say this to me? She even laughs when she talks about my third child. Like this is some hilarious joke on me when this third baby shows up and she will have known this was the plan all along. I have two children, thank you God for blessing me with them! But, I do not want to have another. You will be happy for me to find out that it was just my period and not a surprise pregnancy. So now I can eat this whipped cream in peace.
I can’t stop eating candy. I actually got out of bed last night because I needed chocolate. I was almost asleep too, and then I remembered the dogs didn’t go out yet, and then this craving for chocolate came over me so intense that I had to get up. I just started my period before bed so I’m feeling great, obviously. Bloated, cramps, crazy hair that Buzz inquired about before bed, feeling overwhelmed, sensitive, feeling like none of this is related to my period starting what-so-ever, a little defensive, needy, hoarding candy and eating it secretly in the pantry, wanting hugs and for everyone to leave me alone at the same time, noticing how my stomach sticks out like I’m 6 months pregnant. You know, the usual stuff.
I did what any normal person would do…
- I went to Blu’s room and opened the door
- My two crazy dogs came rushing out and ran downstairs to the back door
- I went downstairs to supervise and to raid the Halloween candy
- I let the dogs in. They were freezing and wondering what took me so long.
- Don’t judge me
- I had my hands full: 2 snickers, a twix, kit kat, and m&m’s. Fun size, of course.
- I got my book, some water and chap stick and went to the guest bedroom
- I turned the heating blanket on
- Went to pee
- Checked to make sure the dogs were back in Blu’s room, shut her door
- Why is this taking so long?
- I thought I just needed chocolate?
- Got in bed to read my book on becoming more awesome
- Chocolate, quiet, alone, comfy, warm, hydrated, entertained. I was in heaven.
How long would that have taken Buzz? I’m so impressed with his efficiency some times. He wonders what takes me so long to do everything. Well, that is what took me so long to let the dogs out last night, Buzz. I can’t do things very fast, even when I try. I have so many steps to everything I do. Like here is what it takes for me to go to the gym:
- drive to the gym
- get my lipgloss out at the red light
- check my phone
- keep driving
- turn the radio station bc I can’t handle Bruno Mars anymore
- sing whatever I find on the radio and turn it up loud
- check my phone again
- get to the gym and park my car
- put my lipgloss on
- get my water and my gym bag
- blow my nose
- get out and lock my car
- unlock my car bc I forgot my water bottle
- take my jacket off bc it’s too hot in the parking lot for a jacket, a hoodie and a scarf
- lock the doors and pay attention to which pocket I put the keys in my gym bag
- go in 24 hour fitness and type in my pin and get fingerprint scanned
- say hi to Roger at the front desk
- re-position my finger bc I moved it while it was scanning when I said I’m doing great to Roger
- walk to the locker room and grab a towel
- wash hands
- brush teeth
- why don’t you brush your teeth at the gym is the question you should be asking
- say hi to Helena and ask how her knee is after surgery and scar tissue scraping
- check my phone again and return a text
- walk upstairs and find a locker with a pin pad so I don’t need a lock
- say hi to Joe and Bob and Dave
- dig in my gym bag for my headphones and my arm band that holds my iphone
- grab my water bottle and my towel
- take off my hoodie and scarf
- lock my stuff and look at the locker number to remember what number my stuff is in
- pick a station on pandora and plug my earbuds in and tuck them away in my sports bra
- look around and figure out what to do at the gym that day
- see Stacy and go say hi, quickly
- go get on the stair climber just to get started bc you have been at the gym for so long now and you need to leave soon
I’m pretty sure there are some short cuts I could take in there somewhere, but I can’t figure out where. It all seems equally important, especially now that I have written it down.
I don’t like it when a box of Kleenex is almost out. When you have about 5-10 left in the box and you start thinking, man anytime now this sucker is gonna be empty. Do I even have any more boxes around here? And a day or 10 pass by and BAM! You grab a Kleenex and the last three all come out at the same time and you are left with a huge handful of Kleenex and an empty box. Do you shove the other two you didn’t want back in the box? Do you set them on the counter? Do you use three tissues even though you only needed one? Did you even need that tissue? What is going on here? Then all of a sudden you notice how big Kleenex boxes really are because when you throw it away it takes up the whole garbage can and now you need to take the trash out. I have Kleenex everywhere around the house. So this doesn’t happen very often and then some days I’ll have three empty boxes of Kleenex come out of nowhere. By that third box I start to feel the emptiness of the boxes and I feel sad and lonely. Then I see the fullness of the trash and I get angry at my husband and my kids and my dogs and my dad for not taking out the trash. Then I become in touch with the obnoxious overuse of Kleenex in this house and decide I will conserve and respect these things moving forward. Today was one of those two empty box days, the one in my car and the one on my bedside table. Why do I have a box in my car? Why don’t you have one in your car is the question you should be asking…
Speaking of loneliness… that is one of my things I am here to learn more about. Loneliness has been a theme for me in my marriage to Buzz and I am becoming more aware of it. How can I feel lonely when I am hardly ever alone?? You must be wondering this too. Two kids, a husband, two dogs, 2 sisters, my parents, my friends, the lady at Target, everyone at church, all the people at the gym, everybody from my kids school, my hair girl, my aesthetician, my personal trainer, my laser hair removal lady, my neighbors, the guy at the wine store, the lady at Sprouts, the guy at the smoothie bar, and the baristas at Starbucks. I have not had a lot of time alone since becoming a mom. Where does loneliness come from? Buzz and I have been in couples therapy for a few months and have learned a lot about us as a couple and who we are individually. We are not into blaming each other and we work on taking responsibility for our stuff. So basically this is all Buzz’s fault. And I say that without blame or pointing fingers or raising my voice. And by taking responsibility for my own stuff, I mean that’s what Buzz needs to do.
We have spent the last 9 years kinda separate, with me raising our kids and him growing a business. We have made time for weekly date nights and weekends away and vacations alone, and vacations with family. But over the years this loneliness has existed. I think it is because I haven’t shared what I am thinking or feeling with Buzz and I have a hard time asking for what I want. I don’t even know what I want when other people are not around to tell me. I think I have done this because it didn’t seem like a big deal. Sure we would talk every day, but it would be about kids or work. Everything seems like it doesn’t matter when there are real problems in the world. The fact that I like or dislike something seems little, small, insignificant. So we would talk on the surface and I would ignore these feelings of wanting a deeper connection with Buzz and I would shove all this way down deep where the lights are off and nobody can see who you are and what you want. I am shocked to announce that this method does not work. Weird. I hear that sharing who you really are can be an incredibly bonding experience with a husband. And so as painful as it is gonna be to change, I am going to do just that. I am gonna figure out who I am and what I want and express that in a healthy way to Buzz.
I love eyeliner. I love it so much I have so many colors that I don’t even use but I love to look at them every morning. My favorite eyeliner brand is Urban Decay because it goes on so smooth and stays on and doesn’t crease especially if you use their eyelid primer. Purples look the best with my green eyes but I like to do one of their blacks, like Perversion, on the lash line of the top lid and then go over it with one of the purples. Rockstar is my most favorite to do this with. You can then line your lower lid with Rockstar for more of a bold look. Or, another favorite is to line Perversion at the top lash line, Rockstar just over it and then do 1999 over that and on the lower lash line just do 1999 well. You can even line the inside lower lid with Rockstar for a nice strong finish. Gosh, I could talk about this for awhile. I wish my dad was here, or my brother in laws. They love talking about products. So, I am guessing you know you need eye shadow on those lids too. You cannot just put the eyeliner on. That is just crazy talk. I love eyeliner so much, and butter, and Serrano peppers, and bacon, and red wine, and Lulu Lemon yoga pants, and Target, and snickers, and socks, and chicken fajitas and electricity. Those are my favorite things right now. In that order. You should see my electricity bill. You can tell how stressed out I am by how much of the above I have purchased, consumed or visited stores that carry those items in the last week. I think my dad knows a lot about eyeliner. He acts like he is not listening, or can’t hear us, or doesn’t care, but he has been absorbing a lot of beauty tips from my sisters and me over the last 4 decades. He definitely reaches his breaking point and will laugh uncomfortably and leave the room when we review, in detail, everything SEPHORA carries. For some reason, my mom doesn’t wear make up. It is foreign to her. She will put mascara on for special occasions and she will tolerate any application of eye shadow you force on her, but I don’t think she puts eyeliner on. She is more of a natural beauty type of person, comfort over beauty type of person, big underwear type of person, lots of vegetables type of person, not a small talk chit chat type of person, a funny but doesn’t know why your are laughing type of person. She is not from around here. And by here I mean planet Earth. I think she must have gotten confused by all the pretty bright lights on Earth and the curiosity of what wine tastes like. Anyways, she seems to have adjusted just fine. It only took about 50 years or so, but she is blending in really well now. She has so many great things she says and does. More on that later! Hi Mom!
I can’t sleep. I have been looking forward to bedtime for so many hours now. I am confused… how am I still awake?? I am going a little cray cray because I need some alone time. I need to be alone so bad that I am laying in bed not sleeping and wondering if this actually counts as alone time. I am to the point where I am fantasizing about being in a hotel room alone, with no tv on, no music playing, no cell phone. Just me laying in bed with it quiet and no one saying: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Every other minute or second, depending on the situation. You know like when you have a kid stay home sick from school for 10 days and then you are the room mom for the fall party and then your kids are home for a week for fall break and you are in therapy with your husband because you are having problems and you go on a family vacation and its fun but exhausting and then your house is a wreck from unpacking and you have 17 loads of laundry to do and then its Halloween and you have to get all that candy ready and costumes and then you lose costumes because you were just on vacation and can’t remember where you put stuff a week ago and you wanna be fun mom on Halloween but you don’t feel well because you ate something not right in the Cancun airport the day before and then you make it thru Halloween and then you stay up late fighting with your husband and then you start to get a long again and then you are thinking you are gonna have a nice relaxing weekend with the family and it ends up being busy because you offered to host the end of the season soccer party at your house and you need to go to the grocery store for the week and you forgot to have your son that was home sick do his make-up homework and you realize nobody has eaten a vegetable in about a week and you want to cook and do a good job and the laundry won’t stop and the dishwasher needs to be unloaded and the trash needs to be taken out and the dogs are barking at the neighbors dog and she is upset and telling you to fix your fence and then you are getting your kids to bed and thinking how great it’s gonna be tomorrow when they are both in school and then your son starts crying at bedtime and is all worked up about how the teacher changes seat assignments when you come back from fall break and he can’t deal with this pressure and stress of where he is gonna sit and what if a mean kid is assigned next to him and as you are holding him and he is crying and you are thinking you might start crying too because he keeps saying he can’t go to school and you really need him to go to school and you look around and wonder why does he have so many damn toys and why can’t I make this house look better and why is my hair so dry at the ends and you need a shower and your nails look terrible and you are wondering what are you doing here and can someone please tell me who am I? Well, I think that is why I need this hotel room.